Stress

So I'm kind of overdue for my end-of-the-semester mental breakdown...

Unfortunately it almost happened during my O-Chem final today. I literally got the paper and stared at it and all of a sudden my head started hurting (like not headache hurting... just kind of like your entire skull turned into one giant bruise) and I stared at the paper and was legitimately about to start crying for no apparent reason (other than O-Chem of course).

This semester's been hell... like god-awful... I'm actually thinking of re-taking one of my classes because of the grade I got this time around o.o

Basically I spent most of my time studying for Anatomy/Physiology and Organic Chemistry (why the hell did I decide to take those two classes together in the same semester is beyond me) and grading papers and working... I legitimately had a seven-day week with no rest so I kind of burnt out on one of my classes. I know at this point it just sounds like excuses but my sanity is so frazzled right now I can't even joke about it anymore.

Not sure if I'm going to keep up with this job for the coming fall semester. I love teaching and I love my students but at the same time, all the papers that I have to grade on top of my own work just doesn't seem worth it. (also, dealing with the Asian parents... and I'm not talking about mine)

I might be getting another job soon too... one that doesn't involve doing more work when I come home, which would be nice...

Debating on whether or not to keep going with taking O-Chem II over summer at the same time as A/P II... ugh this is going to be awful...

So I'm turning 21 in exactly two weeks... o.o

To be completely honest, it's kind of scary, knowing that I'll be 21 like dangit where did the past two decades go? But at the same time, when it comes, I know I'll just be like "oh, it's my birthday isn't it" and go on with my life.

I think that part of what makes it scary is the fact that it's 21. Blackjack. Legal drinking age. And all sorts of other what-have-yous. It's 21 but on the inside, you don't feel any different at all. Because you're supposed to be an adult now. Like, a real adult. None of this 18-legal-voting-age crap. High school doesn't do much for you if you want to become an "adult." But 21... You've been out of it for a while now, out in the real world-ish for a few years but I still can't quite figure out what to do with myself.

Someone needs to tell little kids... that it takes a long time for things to work out. It takes a long time for anyone to figure out what they're doing and what they want to do. Someone also needs to tell them that if they can't figure it out, it's okay.

And now it just feels like I'm ranting... so I guess I'll stop for now.

To anyone out there: Happy Birthday! \(^^)/

My friend asked me how I thought the O-Chem exam went... I told her that it was a pity that our classroom is only on the second floor...

B.A.P - 1004

I literally cannot even. Their new music video came out a few weeks ago and oh my Jesus, it is a work of art. There's still some parts of it that I'm a bit fuzzy on, but aside from that, I think I get basically everything else? Maybe not. It's probably mostly still my own interpretation...

So, in a fan-account of a fan-sign that they held, Himchan said something about why was he always the one dying even when he wasn't the main actor?

Himchan as the main actor: OUT. But, wait, that means that there was a main actor? :O

Out of all the members as being the main, either Daehyun or Jongup makes sense, at least to me. At this point, probably Daehyun since his story line connects with everyone else's (except for Jongup?).

• Cathedral (Yongguk)
• Carousel (Zelo)
• Mirrors (Youngjae)
• Film Reel (Himchan)
• Jongup because the girl is the angel? Not entirely sure about this...

 Anyways, back to the whole analysis thingy...

I guess the members are acting out Daehyun's thoughts/memories that he had with the girl... although I'm still a bit confused as to why Yongguk is digging up that cathedral in the middle of nowhere with a blue whale ribcage behind him... (and it's just a ribcage... no spine, tail, fins/legs, pelvic bones, skull, no nothing... just some ribs sticking up in the middle of dirt...)

I saw another theory and that was that the members themselves are the dead ones and they're going back, and reliving those memories because that's all they can do. It kind of makes sense in a way? Himchan's reflection shot himself so now he doesn't have one (I know, there's "symbolism" behind it but work with me here) and there like a split-second shot of the girl crying on the table? (you know, that infamous one with the MELON on it? yeah, that one). Also, she's looking at the empty dollhouse that it's implied is the same structure that Daehyun walks into in the next shot. So, it might be that they've died and she's missing them because all that's left is the memories.

Then again, the girl could have left? Before, when the teaser came out, there was also some speculation about them returning to MaToki Planet and it being in ruins/abandoned (which I guess explains the ribs?)... Too many theories @.@

Organic Chemistry...

So I think I've realized why Organic Chemistry is exhausting.

It's not even the material, which so far, I understand. Just being in the class is mentally draining.

Everyone who needs to/will take O-Chem will have heard about at least once (if not infinitely many times) before even registering for the class. Because of this, everyone is completely psyched out about it and ends up entering the classroom a complete bundle of nerves. The reputation of O-Chem as being one of the major weeding-out classes for science majors and pre-med students isn't a lie, of course; however, everyone is so consciously/unconsciously freaked out about taking the class, that they're forcing their brains to pay absolute attention every single second of the class. Even if the professor digresses from the topic to dive into a lengthy, if unnecessary explanation, everyone is still diligently hanging on to every word. So, at the end of two hours, your brain is exhausted from going full-power without a break for so long.

I think my lab partner is one of those cut-throat people who will do everything to take advantage of your knowledge but never share what it is that they know. They either pretend that they don't know the material or they'll say "Oh, I finally get it," but then never say anything about it in explanation to you. I'm kind of scared, and now, on top of just O-Chem by itself, I can't let myself lose to anyone. Oh, the joy...

So I originally didn't know what I was going to do with this blog but after finally finishing homework and now studying today, I think this is going to be a live-blog of my descent into pre-med insanity? There might be some details of my life thrown in here and there but for the most part this will probably just be about schooling stuffs and whatnot... when I have time, I guess... Also, if I'm not passed out face down on the ground somewhere...